Tips on Dating Someone with an Anxious Attachment Style

A person with an anxious attachment style has a strong need for intimacy, is constantly thinking about their partner, and is concerned that they will never be loved in return. The fear of being abandoned or rejected is hardwired into them. If they sense even the slightest threat to the relationship, their attachment system goes into overdrive, and they can’t calm down until they receive reassurance from their lover that everything is okay.

However, if your partner is anxious-attachment type, this doesn’t automatically spell disaster for your relationship. Remember that they are hardwired differently and need more communication and intimacy than secure attachments. Find out what stresses them out and how to respond, so they feel loved and cared for.

Here are some ways to properly care for your partner with an anxious attachment style:

Consistency is Key

A person with an anxious attachment style perceives others and their interactions through the lens of a lack of safety. Research suggests that this is due to inconsistent caregiving, in which the infant or child doesn’t know if their needs will be addressed. Their attachment mechanism gets messed up as they try to focus on survival.

One of the most frustrating things for them is having to deal with emotional swings, which reflect the inconsistencies they experienced as children. Hence, they may snap and resort to damaging behavior. So, try to stay consistent with your attention and energy.

A person hugging their partner.

Console Their Fear of Abandonment

Anxious types are often more receptive to others’ feelings and take less time processing conflicting emotions, according to research. They can detect when their bond is being put under stress or threat. They tend to worry excessively about the worst-case scenario since they are afraid of being abandoned or rejected.

After a fight or argument, they automatically assume the relationship is over. You should reassure them that a conflict does not spell the end of your relationship and that your love for them has not diminished in any way.

Keep Reminding Them That You Care

Adults with an anxious attachment style have difficulty accepting that you like them unless you explicitly and consistently show your interest. You need to give them frequent reassurance that you value them and won’t desert them.

This seems like a lot of effort, but it’s actually very easy once it becomes a habit. All it takes is a quick phone call or text message to remind them that you’re thinking of them. Remember that they don’t always know how you feel, so reminders are very helpful. Avoid bottling up your emotions and instead open up about how you really feel.

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